sheldrake

When Kia "died", I was one of the people who was "contacted by her mother". It's a long and painful story, and one I do not particularly care to relive, but trying to shed a little light now seems only fair...

Back in the summer of 2003, I used to spend hours online chatting on IM with three people: Kia, and two others. they were my best friends and I was more than a little in love with one of them at the time. Long story short, from being really close, something went down in the following months and at the beginning of 2004, the four of us had a big... fight, I guess. I never fully understood what happened and I was hurt more than I've ever been by the whole thing. In the aftermath, one of us and Kia pretty much went their own way and the other one and I were left behind. It was a very ugly thing and I spent months licking my wounds. I'm still licking them to be honest.

Fast forward to September 2005. After a year of silence, Kia wrote to me and apologized, asking about renewing our friendship. I was hurt, badly, and I just couldn't. I told her it was too hard for me and that I was sorry and forgave her but could not forget. Two weeks later, I was getting an email from "her mom" telling me that she'd died. I believe I was one of the first to post about her death on LJ, and I felt terrible, sad, guilty, crushed. I hated myself for having rejected her, I honestly thought that I was partly responsible for her death. Maybe I was, maybe I was partly responsible for her faked death, I'll never know. I'll probably always feel a little bit guilty. I mourned her and I cried for days, literally. The whole affair was devastating. Ryn and I both got emails from Kia's supposed mom, we were both told in details about what had supposedly happened, how she'd died, etc.

Not long after that, our two other friends renewed their friendship and for some reason, soon discovered that Kia's death had most likely been faked. While I haven't been friends with one of them for years, the other one told me about their suspicions. I've known about this for four years, now. But to be fair, I was never 100% sure, had no proof and knew no one willing to talk with me about it. None of us who suspected knew for sure, I don't think anybody had enough proof until very fairly recently so it was more something we suspected strongly than something we knew for certain. Accusing someone of faking their own death is clearly not something you can do lightly and without proof. As a result, I decided not to say anything, to let her be. I also stopped talking about her in any way after that because while I wasn't sure her death had really been faked, I had enough suspicions that I didn't want to keep leading people on. I am relieved and grateful that you've posted about this today because I was still waiting for closure and I think maybe today I can finally mourn something that I was never able to completely get over. The loss of Kia and our other friend's friendships, the hurt of feeling so disgustingly betrayed, the guilt over having rejected her, etc. Kia's changed the way I apprehend things and people on the net forever, I don't think I can ever trust anybody quite completely ever again. But yes, finally today, four years after that fateful email from "her mom", I can finally, finally put the whole thing behind.

I'm sorry I never said anything but thank you for having the courage to do so. From the bottom of my heart.


PS: I'm sorry for editing this comment but I kind of reacted to this without thinking and while I realize it's a little late to start thinking, I thought it was wrong of me to name names. I'm such a fool. Sorry.