Heeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy you guys!

[tadorna]

The Tale of the Gold Eyeball Cup Man

There once was a man
who lived in a cup.
His legs were all yellow,
his down was his up.

His eyeballs were stippled
with orange and gold.
His story is fearful,
and yet must be told.

There came a wild day
upon a wild moor
when elephant people
were feeding the poor,

and Gold Eyeball Cup Man
was having his lunch
of blue string and onions,
done up in a bunch,

when suddenly, oddly,
at twenty past three,
his tooth-pegs exploded
and, terrified, he

ran off to his mother's
who lived in Brazil,
but took a wrong turning,
got lost in Mill Hill.

Oh what will become
of Gold Eyeball Man?
His cup runneth over,
but... so does his nan.

Dame Mother Cup,
a doting old dear,
or so say the foolish,
unwilling to hear

the deeds of that crone,
so horrid to tell,
how she pillaged and punctured,
and poisoned a well.

She drove an old Volvo,
with spikes on the wheels,
she had thorns on her thumbs,
she had spurs on her heels.

One day she went driving
from Barnet to Spode*,
by way of the Ridgeway,
that magical road.

Mother Cup didn't care,
if she went the wrong way,
she cared only for china,
and murder, and may-

hem, rattled along
in her rusty estate,
crashing through gardens
and knocking down gates.

And then -- oh disaster!
Cruel day! OMG!
She met her poor grandson
And he meeted she.

His teeth still exploding
all over his head,
met her craziness, meaning
they're both of them dead.

The Volvo a fireball,
a terrible shame,
for an innocent Cup Man
and a criminal dame.

Today a memorial
graces that spot --
A fine china teacup
with a spiked-up teapot.

THE END


* I am aware that Spode is not in itself a location; I refer to the Spode ceramics factory in Stoke-on-Trent

Comments

[justwolf.livejournal.com]

I am greatly entranced by your terrifying tale.

Especially:
And then -- oh disaster!
Cruel day! OMG!
She met her poor grandson
And he meeted she.

This made me laugh lots. And I love your rhymes. I enjoyed reading that lots.

Also? The Plucky Schoolgirl=massive win. Are we shipping Terry/Rose or Terry/Tip?

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Cheers! :)

The Plucky Schoolgirl=massive win.

Oh hooray! You don't know how happy I am no longer to be possibly the only person left alive who's read this book (or to have got to the end of that sentence)! :D

Terry/Tip is my OTP of course, but I'm well up for Terry/Rose, Terry/Lulu or indeed Terry/the entire first form. Also, have decided that Terry will drive an ambulance during WWI.

[justwolf.livejournal.com]

So should we write a sequel/AU version where Terry's driving an ambulance and being OTP-ish with Tip but secretly remembering longingly the wild times she had with that kiss-happy first form? :D

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

There are so many things to write! We really ought to have a Plucky Schoolgirl ficathon. We could go on and on about it, and make people feel jealous because they're not part of the fandom.

[justwolf.livejournal.com]

YES! We should. Maybe we should start a comm? A comm for filthy lesbian porn with ambulances and pluckiness?

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

When I get a minute I might actually to do this! :D

(Also need PS icon)

[justwolf.livejournal.com]

I fully support both these ideas :)

[anatsuno.livejournal.com]

sdlgkdfhjfgkjghjf. Oh. OH. MASTERFUL.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :D

[damson.livejournal.com]

QUIT THE JOB IMMEDIATELY AND BECOME A TRAVELLING BARD.


But OH, I just thought, you'd have to find inspiration elsewhere then wouldn't you. Carry on so. ;)

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Nooooooooooooo!!! oh ok then. :)

[shirecreature.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness you've totally lost your head. But in a good way. :)

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

I always try to lose my head in a good way.

[lazulus]

Spode!! I knew what your asterisk was going to say before I even got to the end!

Is it bad of me to want you in the job as long as it inspires you to madness like this? Sorry!

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

It is a bit bad of you, but as it's what I'll be doing anyway, I'll let you off. :)

[supacat.livejournal.com]

The best thing that has ever appeared on my flist EVER!!!!

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you! I feel supremely honoured! :D

[blythely.livejournal.com]

I imagine you troubadouring around East Anglia with a mandolin.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Just as soon as I've learnt the mandolin, that is exactly what I will do.

[glasmurmel.livejournal.com]

Brilliant! You are such a natural with words of any shape or size. I'm wondering whether your head is just bursting with these gems and they simply spill out of your brain and clunk on the pages all polished and shiny as they are or does it take you a lot of labour to make them this perfect? :)

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)

Sad to tell, this sort of thing basically just falls out of my brain whenever I tilt my head slightly -- often at the most inopportune moments. 'Proper' writing, on the other hand, is very much like getting cheese out of concrete.

[rebism.livejournal.com]

*applauds*
That's fantastic.
I fear for your brain, but that's fantastic.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :D

I don't worry about my brain any more, there's quite obviously no help for it now...

[justeeyore.livejournal.com]

Excellent!

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :)

[lapin-agile.livejournal.com]

You made my morning!

Your poem seems to keep company with Lewis Carroll (or the Beatles) and Harry Graham.

Such lovely details -- the altruistic elephant people, Dame Cup's Volvo, and her anatomical/sartorial peculiarities, young Cup's downside uppedness -- but my favourite stanzas are these:

and Gold Eyeball Cup Man
was having his lunch
of blue string and onions,
done up in a bunch,

when suddenly, oddly,
at twenty past three,
his tooth-pegs exploded
and, terrified, he

Bunch onions! Late lunch! Sudden change of circumstance overtakes our hero at unlikely moment! Politely particular verse driven beyond its insistent, end-stopping rhyme! Dancing dactyls waltzing us to disaster!

Encore!!!

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Ooh, thank you! Glad you enjoyed. :)

Your poem seems to keep company with Lewis Carroll (or the Beatles) and Harry Graham.

Ah, nonsense! How I love it. Edward Lear, Spike Milligan... I was pretty much brought up on a diet of this stuff, which might explain a few things.

*dances with dactyls* (My Native American name)

[coeur_de_noir]

Haha, look at you, you Jazzy Genius. When I read this, my head recited it in a kind of Pam Ayres voice. I loved her!

The Volvo a fireball,
a terrible shame,
for an innocent Cup Man
and a criminal dame.

DAME.. are you bringing that back then? Jolly good!

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Pam Ayres is a genius!

DAME.. are you bringing that back then? Jolly good!

What, the word? I could certainly try. Do you find yourself craving the slang of the past?